Fears

We all have them. We fear heights, speaking in public, rejection, being alone. Some fears are more legitimate than others. Some stem from a real life experience, like the fear of dogs after being bitten once as a child. Some have more to do with how we feel about ourselves than any real life experience, like the fear of change.

I have many fears. Probably more than I even consciously recognize. I've been thinking of a few because I've noticed how this low level anxiety has changed how I see things and act. Perhaps if I can give them a voice, I can then tell them to shut the hell up.

One is a huge one for me. It's the fear of the silent audience, as Abe calls it. I have it bad. I tend to feel like others are watching my performance and judging it. I'm the type that gets nervous if I have to get up in a class and get something, like a piece of paper or sharpen a pencil. I feel like everyone is watching me. Maybe I will stumble and look silly. What if I do something wrong?

It's not big enough for me to not do something that is necessary, like perhaps getting the syllabus in a class. But it often times will hold me back from making moves that are maybe not crucial, but are necessary, like asking questions in said class. I worry that I am asking a dumb question, even though my adult mind knows that people probably have the same question. When was the last time someone actually laughed at a question in class? Not since high school. Yet, I still get nervous and stay quiet when I really should be raising my hand proudly and asking away.

I've noticed that this trait has become evident in the pursuit of hobbies. I will find something that I'd like to try new. Piano, German lessons and most recently, photography. I start out gung ho, but the minute that my skills are a little bit challenged, right when I might show that I might not be that great at it, I find myself pulling away. I find myself hesitant to do it. Suddenly the lust for it has waned. What was something I loved learning about becomes something I feel stressed out doing. I worry that I won't do it right and that I might be embarrassed, just like how I used to feel when my mother tried to get me to speak German as a child. I'd clam up. I still do at 38. It's a shame because I still can't speak it properly and can't communicate with my aunt.

My latest is photography. I loved doing our engagement and wedding pictures and wanted to learn the art. I wanted to be able to take good pictures of Adam and the family. So, Abe splurged and treated me to a nice new camera. I started taking photography classes at a local community college. I loved it. I loved that we would learn new techniques and I could turn around and do it myself. I loved having field trips with the other people in the class, getting to see your shots the next week in class and have some of them praised.

But then the class ended and for some reason I got scared. Scared to use my camera because a few times I used it the shots came out just 'eh'. Not much better than before I took the classes and not creative at all. Not that I expect every shot to be great, but at least decent. So then I kept thinking, well, if I took these classes and I'm still getting crap stuff, maybe I'm not that good. It doesn't help that people know I'm taking classes, so they assume I will be awesome. And I secretly want to yell "I really suck! Don't ask to see my pictures because I suck!" Such an overreaction from a few bad shoots. But that's the curse of the Invisible Audience.

I also noticed that my anxiety spiked when one of the ladies that I became friendly with from my class started posting really creative and good pictures to the class' Flickr account (a photo sharing site). Really nice shots that I just never thought to do. And instead of being inspired, I found myself envious. Why can't I think of things like that? Why aren't I spending time practicing my skills like she does? Well, she's not a mom, for one thing. By the time I get everything done in the day, staging shots of strawberries in a bowl really isn't in the cards. The lady wanted to take the next class in the series, which I want to do, but I find myself hesitating on signing up. There's that paralysis again, holding me back because I'm not perfect at something. It isn't coming as easily as I had thought it would. Someone else is better than me, so why bother? Silly thoughts.

I've made friends with a woman who has just started a photography business during the height of my photography interest. It was fun chatting with her about cameras and such and we became play date friends (Adam is only 4 days older than her daughter). She is self taught and has a real eye for composition, does beautiful pictures. And there again was the envy. Oh, I'd never think of putting those people in that pose.... I don't know how she got that angle...... So, instead of going shooting with her like I thought I would, I find myself timid with my camera when we're together and I just end up chatting about the latest baby news. Here I have this great person to learn from and all I can think about is how much better she is than me. Doesn't matter that she practices a lot and tries new things, even if they don't work. She doesn't let an Invisible Audience get in her way. She invited me to join her during a wedding she is shooting in January to see how it's done and maybe take some shots. I'm excited to do it, but can't help but wonder how badly I'd mess it up. I'm not even the photographer and I'm terrified that I'll be bad. How funny is that?

I'd really like to look this fear right in the face and bring it down to size. Even if I take bad pictures, I still might get that one that makes me smile every time I see it. I won't be able to get better by NOT taking pictures, so I will have to keep plucking along. I'm going to kick this fear to the curb.

So, what's your fear?